Topic: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Being in a small group conversation at a party is kind of like playing in a band in some ways.


At parties, you have to pull your weight, or other people have to pick up your slack. I think when I was younger I really underestimated how much effort "normal" people put into social interaction. You have to bring more to it. I don't mean worry, like internal anxiety and shit. Don't spend too much energy in your head. You have to bring more energy and ideas to the outside. Like, actually mentally commit to socializing. People like people who are interested in them, pay attention, ask questions, except not with a weird vibe. It takes a lot of energy. Idk if some people *enjoy* it more, or what, but that's kinda what it takes to network I think. I think, when I personally get to know people well, I get a lot more comfortable and the flow of the conversation becomes a lot more natural. I can just talk with them honestly. Fall back on past experiences and shit. But when I meet new people, I probably don't put enough energy into the conversation and shit.


Like when I'm at parties and there's some kid shorter than me cracking up 30 people and everyone is focused on him and laughing, that's not an accident. Dude probably has a lot of experience and practice making conversation and jokes. He's quick and can make shit happen. He's working pretty hard at it. You don't just show up bummed out and expect to really enjoy yourself, that's literally just making other people work hard around you to try to make sure everyone is having a good time, which is the point of a party. Like you gotta bring some energy to the table, not just show up and stand in a corner or something.


Wanna get invited to more parties? Bring something to the social table. Talk to people. Engage. Expend more energy. I actually think if you get too drunk then you lose your ability to really engage, unless everyone else is also about as drunk as you. I was already pretty drunk by the time the people I was really interested in interacting with showed up, and they were playing catch up w/ the drinking. It's more of a burden for me to try to entertain them because stupid jokes aren't as funny, but as everyone starts to get more and more drunk, people laugh at stupid shit and have a good time. You don't want to drink too fast and get too drunk too early. but you also don't want to not drink and not interact and not be able to engage due to anxiety. It's kind of tricky. You gotta be prepared to expend energy.


If you say something weird or something that doesn't go over well, you just gotta brush your shoulders off and give people attention and shut up for a bit and just engage. Laugh at jokes. Etc. Idk. I mean, I love partying. Love it. I went to like 3 or 4 parties over the past few years where I showed up and I was a huge bummer for the host. They had to spend extra energy on me to make me have fun. I shouldn't have gone if I wasn't up for it. Gotta not do that. If you feel yourself getting into a depressive / anxious slump, you gotta work to get out of that so you don't blow your chances of having a good time.


Now, the real trick is to do all this without being a sperge. Don't come off as needy for attention, and don't come off like you have ulterior motives. Like, some guy complimenting someones hair in a flat monotone voice with no reality behind it. It comes off as weird and creepy instead of a legitimate compliment. There's a middle ground, though. People are willing to brush off weird shit to keep the party rolling, and if you're not too fucking weird they'll still have fun and chill with you. I'm actually pretty good at not being on a completely different wavelength as everyone else. I don't think I tend to come off as fake. My problem is either 1.) too drunk, 2.) too anxious or depressed, but I don't think I come off as fake. So that's sorta what I'll be working on the next few parties.


Also, while we're on the topic, avoid saying a bunch of negative shit. In fact, unless it's essential to the conversation, just don't say negative things at all. It tends to be abrasive and kills a good vibe, replaces it with a sort of hostility, even if it's not directed at anyone in the room / at the party.


Look, everyone has problems. I have problems, you have problems, that girl you have a crush on has plenty of fucking problems. Stop making things about you all the time. Don't be the dickhead who tries to control the conversation or shuts people down. If there's one thing I've learned working customer service over the years, it's people respond positively to positivity, and if they don't they probably have some shit going on in their life and you're not really the reason for their negative shit anyway. Move on. It's your job to try to make other peoples lives a little easier in social settings. Why is that your job? Because this life isn't just fucking about you. Stop trying to be dark and edgy and jaded in real life. Yeah, everything sucks. Yeah, life is shit. Yeah, I want to kill myself from time to time. That doesn't mean I need to inflict that on other people and mope at parties that people invite me to because I seem ok to them at first. Or whatever. Anxiety really sucks, depression really sucks, but look, do what you can to make life better for other people. Try to be positive. At the end of the night you'll feel a lot better when you go home than you will if you are a defeatist. Basically, there's nothing you're going to win by shooting others down or feeling bad for yourself or feeling superior or feeling worse.


It's kind of like, ok, my friends throw a party and I'm invited. (They throw a fuckload of parties and I'm invited to maybe one a month, so obviously I'm not on the level I want to be and I haven't been able to actualize all of this advice just yet. People who are really good at this get invited to all the good parties, introvert or extrovert.) When I'm in a group conversation or whatever, I don't just stand there awkwardly, I pay attention to what people are saying and see if I have anything to input. When there's a lull in the conversation, if I thought of anything, I'll add it. Or if there's a lull and it feels tense or something I'll just say whatever to get the conversation going, maybe just start a whole new conversation at random. I don't force anything. If nobody bites, I don't just keep repeating shit. (Which I did the other night when I was drunk as piss, no worries tho eventually someone laughed and my dumbass drunk self moved on pretty quck.) Don't do that. Like I have a problem switching my train of thought quickly, as I kind of focus on one thing and let it spin around in my head for a while and I feel like I *need* to express that particular thing because I put work into making it up in my head. Yeah, don't bother with that. Just let it go and flow with the conversation. If you're not super tense you'll get better at making good jokes / conversation as you go. It takes tons of Practice, but like I said it gets way easier after you really get to know people. Drinking only helps until you're drunk, then it gets worse unless everyone else is also drunk.


This is all shit I wish someone explained to me a long, long time ago, and it's all very true and it hurt a lot learning it lol.


It's really hard to be a good conversationalist / be engaged / apply energy to a conversation when you're anxious or feeling down. I know, I've been there a lot of times. It makes me cringe at my past self. I feel bad for the people who tried to cheer me up so many times. Who had to pull me into conversations. But that's not *you*. You probably can't think of something that really excites you off the top of your head, but I fucking know you've been excited about *some* things in life, at some point. You have to learn to bring that kind of energy to conversations to be the life of a party. You can get by with less energy than super outgoing popular people, but this is something you should be working on. Nobody is just a naturally dull person, and very few people are just magically naturally super energetic conversationalists. Even the "naturals" are just doing something they learned, even if they learned it early on and it's ingrained in them now.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Once you have the right attitude going in, you can start focusing on specific tips / tricks. Like, conversation starters. Learn some. I haven't done this at all, ever, but I was people watching and other people do this. My brother is like the fucking Moriarty of partying, literally travels to different college campuses and states because his friends want him at their fucking party. I've watched him sit down and get to know someone on a borderline intimate level that he's never fucking met in his life. Like literally go up and sit down cross legged in front of the new person and just make them feel comfortable and get to know them. The nigga knows how to do this shit. I don't think he has ever really *thought* about it that much, but he puts a lot of effort into it and has built up a bunch of internal things to do at parties and in social settings that work well.


You might not be the type of person who can sit down in front of someone cross legged and make them feel totally ok with it, I fucking sure as hell aren't, but it doesn't matter. Bring your own vibe. Be your own human. You do you. But the point is, get some fucking conversation starters. Like, avoid boilerplate stuff you say at work. Like I know how to do small talk like it's my job, because it literally is my fucking job I work with customers all the time and just do small talk. But I've seen plenty of people break through the small talk and get a little more real, even at work. This is key at parties. At parties, you're not aiming for a drive-by conversation, you're looking to get to know someone, even if you don't really like them at first. The point is to let everyone in the group have fun / feel included. So, tell a story. Come up with something interesting to say beforehand, maybe. Ask questions that can't be answered with a "yes" or a "no". Avoid shit like "How's things?", which is literally my go-to line in every conversation. Like last night I asked some people if they saw my buddy who's going to jail before the party, which kicked off a bit of conversation. As you can see, it gets a lot easier once you have some shared experiences. But if you don't, just tell stories, ask questions, that sort of thing.


Most of these tips are geared towards a small group, I do very well in large groups because I usually already know everyone and conversations tend to be less in-depth / people are on their feet / you can do drive-by conversation idk. But yeah.


Oh yeah, and fucking look for feeback when you're telling stories / asking questions / in a conversation. If people don't respond well, drop that line of questioning or the story, or whatever. It's kind of hard to back out of a story, but you can. At a minimum, don't drag it out. Don't worry if you get a few details wrong here and there. I've done that a bunch of times, told a story and got waaay too hung up on the specifics and then the flow of the story is broken. Or if I'm not telling the story with enough confidence / energy, people will naturally become less interested. Like if people are starting a lot of side-conversations and there's only like one or two people paying attention to your story, you know you're losing interest. Don't be the boring fuck who traps some poor guy in a 15 minute long story about something he doesn't give a damn about, when 3 feet away there are some girls in a really interesting conversation.


When you meet someone, consider asking what they like doing / their hobbies / what they're into. Pay attention to what they say. Also maybe learn some jokes. I've seen people just randomly insert jokes into conversations, everyone usually laughs of it's not a shit joke. I did this two nights from some joke I saw on facebook. Just slipped it into the conversation in between people talking. Easy.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Do not want. socializing is bad and wrong and everyone should be a hermit.

this reminds me that this new girl at work asked a coworker why i never talk while expectantly looking at me.. i just shrugged and kept cutting chicken or w/e i was doing lmao goddamn

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

That's fine. If you don't put yourself into social situations on purpose, than you don't owe anyone shit. If I'm tired at work I don't spend energy on customers, I'm terse. Who gives a fuck about them I'm at work. But when I'm feeling ok I try to generally make people feel welcomed. What is the downside to this, besides that it takes little extra effort? This thread is as much (if not more-so) for myself than it is for any of you. I just figured at least someone here will find it interesting or useful and take something away from it. This is the culmination of dozens of dozens of parties I've gone to and thousands of interactions I've had, sort of. Although it's off the top of my head mostly.


This thread is for people who want to actually go to parties / socialize and put themselves into those settings.


Oh, and once you're at a party or in a social setting, don't freak out about all the "rules" and "tips" and shit. It's too late to be consciously thinking about every little thing. That'll just fuck you up. Just do your thing. Talk to people. Have fun. If you're *too* focused on all the things you "should" be doing all the time, you're going to just do what you always do and be a hermit. Once you're in there, maybe try a few things out in conversation or whatever, but don't worry about it. Beforehand is the time to prepare with a few conversation starters / topics of conversation. Just try to have fun and live in the moment when you're actually doing it. And expend energy.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Like it's a huge mistake to take this thread and think of it as an algorithm or steps you have to do. Mainly, you just have to decide that you're going to put some fucking effort into conversations and work for it. You don't just passively talk to people in an anxious can't-wait-to-not-be-in-this-conversation sort of way and expect good results. You have to be present and alive. Just decide ahead of time that you're going to put effort into talking to people and engaging with people and getting to know people.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Sometimes i feel like doing this shit i dunno
I just show up and don't consciously think about what i'm doing or what i will do if certain things happen or w/e
I'm not the awkward "sit in a chair somewhere and say absolutely nothing to anyone for hours" shithead i once was but i don't exactly draw much attention or interest either.. I suppose i'm alright with that though :P


Nobody ever invites me out to do shit, not even my own family, so meh.. I just genuinely have zero interest in this shit 99% of the time and the amount of effort it takes to successfully fake it is too ridiculous to be worth it. either way this thread is interesting.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

lol socializing? mad gay
parties are for like
adjective's

sloth wrote:

Comfy does not provide challenge, challenge provides success, success provides happiness. Our world is not comfy, although we tried to make it so. Slaves of our own inventions, yada, yada. Not only on a technological level, also on a social and political level. Nothing more but apes. Apes with psychosomatic disorders.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Pretty much the only reason I even care about any of this and spend time reflecting on it is because my favorite times in my life have been with small groups of other people, both at parties and at just small gatherings. I never used to care until I kinda realized that in order to get the fulfillment I want in life, partying and socializing has to happen. I feel like there's a big empty hole in my life and this is probably it.


That being said, socializing has made me feel a lot worse lately than better. I don't know. I just know I *really* want love and all that feely bullshit lol, and I have all this party experience to draw from and here's what I came up with. I guess. Idk I want to be a good human being, too. Like, I really don't like making other people uncomfortable / be a burden at a party. I'd rather contribute and be helpful and make people have fun, especially so if it helps me out in terms of interaction / love / friends / getting invited to more parties.


I feel like a good way to end up socially isolated is to just not put in any effort at the few things you end up getting invited to.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

It's such a paradox, too, because once you know all this shit it's way too fucking easy to get trapped in this mindset where you're trying too hard to impress people and not step on anyone's shoes or make any wrong moves, and that' will fucking backfire. Make wrong moves. It's fine. Just keep trying. Mainly, you should also be having fun. if you're not having fun you're kinda doing it wrong to begin with I feel like. I always have fun at parties, except for the times I was really down in the dumps. Just be conscious and apply effort, too. And have fucking fun. Don't over think it loll. Despite all the shit I wrote, don't over think a party. Just try to find things that are fun to you. That's probably the #1 rule. If you are having fun you're doing pretty ok, even if you're not doing anything else in this entire thread.


Not even kidding, I fucking drank myself silly one night at this girl M's house, and walked out of the bathroom after throwing up *a lot*, laughing, almost fell down the stairs. M saw me and I was literally dying laughing, and it made her laugh a lot, and we just stood on the stairwell together laughing hysterically. Then I went and sat down on the couch, and puked all over myself. All the hipsters and masculine fuckers and hot girls at the party stopped mattering after like the first hour and I was plastered as fuck, I knew everyone and loved everyone, even though I didn't actually know anyone there except M and S lol. Then when I puked all over myself this one guy came and he was just cracking jokes with me and convincing me I went to the same high school he did, even though I didn't. In a friendly manor. And then we left and I puked even more outside. I went back to M's house for another party like a few months later with a lot of the same people, and no one even remembered that I threw up on myself. A lot of social conventions go out the window at wild parties lol. Stop being self conscious no one gives a motherfuck at all and mistakes are totally expected. I've seen the life the party make huge mistakes and no one gives a motherfuck.


I mean, I literally got in this dudes face at one of the ragers we threw at my house and I was fucking drunk as piss on Tequila, and no one gave a fuck the day after. They just said "lmao you were fucking belligerent you crazy fuck, what even happened last night lol". Like it's all good just relax and do the thing. The tips in this thread are just on top of having fun to make other people more comfortable around you.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

I only socialize with my friends. If there is other people I don't know then I do not talk to them at all really. Plus they just look at me weird immediately and I think they are dicks.

There are no clear way to learn it unlike html and css who are actually funny to learn and explore.

Quotes:

sloth wrote:

Hold your head down and you won't get hurt. You'll get exploited, abused and spit on, but hey at least you're safe. Fuck that. I have one life to live, and I'll live it my fucking way. Go on. Stand in my way. See what happens. See what happens when a good guy snaps.

sloth wrote:

There are cemetery for living people. They are called "cubicles". And "assembly line". And "McDonalds". And any other full of shit job you can think about. It's where you are dying every day so you can live on a few select days of your life. If you're not to powered out from working.

loon_attic wrote:

everything is shit and people love it because they're hipster masochists or something

absentinsomniac wrote:

she said to eat her out w/ an ice curbe but nah goodnight lol

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

I like to be eccentric, open, and straightforward approach. Seems to work. I'm just like "stranger? what's that?" in my atttitude. Better than trying to figure out the person. Cold approach, see how it goes, if it ain't working then just walk away like "whatever aight" no whine no cringe.

"Creepy crazy fucking idiot Nr. 873894532"-aCol

Wes wrote:


^^ funny
this guy
the most well written and verbose shitposter on the internet

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Bro, do you even expect me to read all this shit? I barely speak english.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Princess-Retard wrote:

Bro, do you even expect me to read all this shit? I barely speak english.

Better to speak English than the languáge du pèpè

Hindsight is always 20/20.

God wrote:

A surprising amount of insight can be gleamed from sitting on the toilet. More concerning, however, is the amount of nostalgia. neutral



When in doubt, move north. God bless suomi.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

brainiac3397 wrote:

I like to be eccentric, open, and straightforward approach. Seems to work. I'm just like "stranger? what's that?" in my atttitude. Better than trying to figure out the person. Cold approach, see how it goes, if it ain't working then just walk away like "whatever aight" no whine no cringe.


Ya that's a pretty good way to go about it.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

DnE the tread we

a.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

sloth wrote:
Princess-Retard wrote:

Bro, do you even expect me to read all this shit? I barely speak english.

Better to speak English than the languáge du pèpè

Men got boners from my voice, you just can't do it with english.
Except if you're from London.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

your voice is probably nasally and obnoxious

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Princess-Retard wrote:
sloth wrote:
Princess-Retard wrote:

Bro, do you even expect me to read all this shit? I barely speak english.

Better to speak English than the languáge du pèpè

Men got boners from my voice, you just can't do it with english.
Except if you're from London.

I'm from London

a.

19 (edited by sloth 2016-05-23 14:59:06)

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Those poor devils.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

God wrote:

A surprising amount of insight can be gleamed from sitting on the toilet. More concerning, however, is the amount of nostalgia. neutral



When in doubt, move north. God bless suomi.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

I think a good attitude to have about other people and life in general is, basically:


"Yeah, that would be great, amazing even, but if not then ok whatever, I'll just live life with someone else / somewhere else / whatever."


It's been pretty helpful for me. If things go well, great! If they don't, no big deal, moving on.


Even people I really care about and shit, I won't like, pursue that much. I kind of just chill and I'll meet them half way. If they're not that interested than whatever. If they are, I'll kind of just be chill about it and see how it goes.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

One thing I learned in 9th grade thanks to my (much more confident) buddy, don't stare at the ground when you walk or talk to people. He was like "Dude, stop looking down all the time. Lift your damn head up." As soon as I started doing that I could pretty much immediately see a difference in how people treated me. Also, walk confidently. Like you don't give a fuck. Shoulders slightly back.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

"I'm X and therefore can't do Y", where x is some internal belief about what you are at your core, like "I'm introverted" or "I am shy" or "I'm socially awkward" and where Y is any social thing. This is bullshit. The real reason you are having trouble socially is because you have not worked on improving your social skills. Some people are "born" with more inclination towards socializing or learned it early on. So what? It's not *that* complex of a process. You just need to practice and improve. It takes a while and it's kind of scary, but things worth doing take time and aren't always easy. You should consider committing to improving yourself.


It's not edgy and cool to be unable to talk with other people, it's something that will hold you back. It doesn't make you special. That thing in your head saying it's a bad idea or you're a special snowflake is just another case of "But I'm X I can't do Y". Nonsense. Some people legitimately need a psychologist to start improving. Do that if you really think you need one. I probably would have benefited from one. Probably still could. But I've improved by leaps and bounds since I was a kid, and it was worth it. It takes a long ass time and a lot of conscious work and a bit of reading, but it's worth it.


I have a long way to go but even marginal improvement can take you a long way.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

I'm about halfway through this book called "The Definitive Book of Body Language". It's got some pretty good shit in there that you wouldn't really think about.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Sounds interesting.

"Creepy crazy fucking idiot Nr. 873894532"-aCol

Wes wrote:


^^ funny
this guy
the most well written and verbose shitposter on the internet

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

I've been trying to break this habit of breaking eye contact right away. Basically I've been trying to be the last one to break eye contact. It's kind of hard at first lol. I've done it a few times already. This one girl beat me lol, although I rekd this other hot chick just now. The girl who beat me came back and talked to me tho.  I'm making it into a game sorta. Just gonna keep doing it until I'm comfortable w/ it. Makes you seem more confident and shit.