Dank n Edgy

The dorkest, edgist forums known to puny hoomans

You are not logged in.

Announcement

Welcome to DnE, the online psych facility. (Run by the inmates, for the inmates.)

#51 2016-07-09 21:10:23

Green1
Member
Registered: 2015-10-21
Posts: 713

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Wish I knew this in my teens and 20s. Probably could do better even in this future time.

Avoid issues and lacks becoming an identity. Avoid those that do have this as an identity.

There are people who have literally nothing and homeless who date and have friends and there are "successful" folks (in at least one area - be it security, career, STUFF, or seduction) who while may have it easier, are miserable misanthropes and poisonous.

Offline

#52 2016-07-10 19:01:11

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

There are two components to making conversation: 1.) Knowing*how* to hold a conversation, which is simple. Ask questions, add your own information, switch topics. That's basically it. Ask a question or two, make a genuine comment about the response, when that conversation dies, move to a new topic, preferably but not necessarily related.


2.) Confidence. Without confidence, even if you know how to conversate well, you'll fail to initiate, or the conversation won't flow well. You'll run out of things to say or get caught up on how to say things, or simply be too afraid to ask another question or change the topic. This can easily ruin an interaction.


Fucc

Offline

#53 2016-07-11 05:45:10

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Confidence is best when it's from a stable source. External things like girls, achievements, etc, are not stable. When someone tests your confidence (which girls do all the time for some reason) then you're going to fall apart if your confidence is based on this girl liking you. You're gonna fail the test.


You can't physically improve yourself enough that you'll be rock solid in every situation and in every instance you'll feel confident enough to deal with life. There's not enough accomplishment in the world to do that.


It's almost budhist, this whole self acceptance thing. You have to accept yourself as you are now, in the moment, no matter what happens. Even if she rejects you. Even if you fail, hard. You have to accept yourself, love yourself, and detach your self worth from any given girl or accomplishment or whatever. You have to be self sustaining.


It's really not about feeling high because you "won" or accomplished something, or got a phone number or because a girl smiled at you or whatever. It's about feeling yourself regardless, and being your own human. I mean, there's a place for self improvement and you should do it to be a better person and get better, but you shouldn't ever be waiting for a time when you're "good enough" finally. You'll never get there. Just feel good now, instead.


Fucc

Offline

#54 2016-07-11 18:29:21

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.


Fucc

Offline

#55 2016-07-12 00:41:07

brainiac3397
Machiavellian Amoeba
From: A Dimension of Pure Insanity
Registered: 2013-12-20
Posts: 4,914

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

My confidence is based on my multitude of deja vu, implying that the path I am taking in life is fated for myself based on my actions of self-enlightenment. Or Im just insanely delusion and not as capable as I believe myself to be. Course the latter hasnt been proven while the former has (to me at least).

So I just be living my life and trying to improve myself as I go.


"Creepy crazy fucking idiot Nr. 873894532"-aCol

Wes wrote:

^^ funny
this guy
the most well written and verbose shitposter on the internet

Offline

#56 2016-07-19 18:17:04

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Holy shit: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12703649


Four studies demonstrated that fears of rejection prompt individuals to exhibit a signal amplification bias, whereby they perceive that their overtures communicate more romantic interest to potential partners than is actually the case. The link between rejection anxieties and the bias was evident regardless of whether fears of rejection were assessed in terms of chronic attachment anxiety or were induced by reflection on a previous rejection experience. Mediation analyses suggested that the bias stems in part from an expected-augmenting process, whereby persons with strong fears of rejection incorrectly assume that the recipient of their overtures will take their inhibitions into account when interpreting their behavior. Implications for understanding the link between attachment anxiety and loneliness and for designing social skills interventions are discussed.


Fucc

Offline

#57 2016-07-19 23:12:50

brainiac3397
Machiavellian Amoeba
From: A Dimension of Pure Insanity
Registered: 2013-12-20
Posts: 4,914

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

THat's cool stuff. Amazing that fearing rejection actually makes one more inclined to believe they're being more romantic.


"Creepy crazy fucking idiot Nr. 873894532"-aCol

Wes wrote:

^^ funny
this guy
the most well written and verbose shitposter on the internet

Offline

#58 2016-07-20 01:04:46

Fish20
sea creature
From: crabgrass
Registered: 2012-06-11
Posts: 4,610
Website

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

tbh wouldn't confidence be completely pointless if you aren't competent int whatever you are being confident about? Like what's the point in building confidence in your abilities if you actually just really suck. Wouldn't you just be an arrogant fool? I would think accomplishing things socially would improve your competence in social situations, and then you'll realize you are able to do it and become confident that way. But then you have to be confident enough to try or something. Idefk.


There are no clear way to learn it unlike html and css who are actually funny to learn and explore.

Quotes:

sloth wrote:

Hold your head down and you won't get hurt. You'll get exploited, abused and spit on, but hey at least you're safe. Fuck that. I have one life to live, and I'll live it my fucking way. Go on. Stand in my way. See what happens. See what happens when a good guy snaps.

sloth wrote:

There are cemetery for living people. They are called "cubicles". And "assembly line". And "McDonalds". And any other full of shit job you can think about. It's where you are dying every day so you can live on a few select days of your life. If you're not to powered out from working.

loon_attic wrote:

everything is shit and people love it because they're hipster masochists or something

absentinsomniac wrote:

she said to eat her out w/ an ice curbe but nah goodnight lol

Offline

#59 2016-07-20 01:14:26

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

The problem is people lack confidence in their ability, but everyone except people with actual autism have more or less enough innate social skills to talk to women. Like, the lack of confidence creates a block in dudes heads so they shut down and struggle to find things to say, or try to filter all of the things they say, but if they were just talking to a girl they didn't have a thing for, or one of their friends, they wouldn't be having the issue at all. So it's not even a problem of lacking social skills, it's lacking the confidence to use those social skills.


Fucc

Offline

#60 2016-08-17 22:54:31

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

"Hey, I don't think we've met"


Also smiling.


Those two things go a long way being around people you just met. I really want to work on making people more comfortable and getting into conversations more.


Fucc

Offline

#61 2016-09-07 19:25:11

Fish20
sea creature
From: crabgrass
Registered: 2012-06-11
Posts: 4,610
Website

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

dear dr. absnet, social expert,

How do I go to a college football game/tailgate with people I don't really know (only my brother is there), and how do I not be super awkward and quiet with them? Usually I hang out with my bro at things with his friends and I just stand there not talking because I feel like not part of the group and can't relate to the college social group. Also I can't drink most likely :/ I am the youngest by I think a year. Most are at least 4 years older than me.


There are no clear way to learn it unlike html and css who are actually funny to learn and explore.

Quotes:

sloth wrote:

Hold your head down and you won't get hurt. You'll get exploited, abused and spit on, but hey at least you're safe. Fuck that. I have one life to live, and I'll live it my fucking way. Go on. Stand in my way. See what happens. See what happens when a good guy snaps.

sloth wrote:

There are cemetery for living people. They are called "cubicles". And "assembly line". And "McDonalds". And any other full of shit job you can think about. It's where you are dying every day so you can live on a few select days of your life. If you're not to powered out from working.

loon_attic wrote:

everything is shit and people love it because they're hipster masochists or something

absentinsomniac wrote:

she said to eat her out w/ an ice curbe but nah goodnight lol

Offline

#62 2016-09-07 20:45:37

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

There's two ways to go about this. The passive way, and the active way. The active way is way better for making friends and giving a good impression. The passive way is fine, but it's not really helpful for meeting people or getting closer to people. It's more like a social survival skill, just kind of *existing* in a situation. I'll cover the passive way first:




One thing to keep in mind is being quiet isn't always awkward, even if it feels like you're being awkward. Laugh at peoples jokes and make eye contact when they're looking around the group telling a story. Group conversation is infinitely easier than one on one conversation. Usually if there's a bunch of older people they'll try to engage you a little bit. Just try to relax and stay light hearted. Even if they ask you about things you're insecure about or whatever, don't let it phase you just chill and joke about it. Basically you'll want to avoid the urge to seem too serious or start hating yourself and feeling inferior while you're around them.


One of my biggest problems I used to have in group settings was turning inward and not looking at anyone and not paying attention. Just pay attention and try to be interested in what other people are saying, even if you're not. Like, you don't even know how many conversations about cars or sports I've sat through and just listened and paid attention to. I had no idea what they were even talking about really, so I just sat and listened and made eye contact if / when they looked at me. If someone is talking it's normal to look them in the face until they look you in the eye as they're going around the group talking. Or even if they're just talking to someone one-on-one, just look them in the face and they'll probably start talking at you because they notice you're listening. Don't like hold eye contact for more than a few seconds, but don't immediately look away either. If you just hold eye contact it gets awkward after about 2 or 3 seconds of continuous staring. Look away and look back.


Now, if you wanna get more active in a group conversation, which can be pretty hard in a group of much older people, but you can definitely do it because I've done it, and I've seen lots of dudes younger than me do it, just ask questions. Like "What do you do?", "Aw that sounds pretty rough, do you like it?" "Cool, cool. I don't think I'd like that sort of work". Whatever. Just basic icebreaker things like that. Let the conversation flow, if you think of something to say but the conversation has already moved on, just let it go. It's awkward to try to pull the whole groups conversation back to something that was already moved on from.


One thing that makes a good impression is trying to add more energy to everything. You probably talk in a borderline monotone voice like I used to. Try to add like 50 percent more energy to everything you're saying. Use inflection. If you do this, people are way  more interested in what you're saying. If you're telling a story in monotone voice, people instinctively stop listening. If you're telling it like you're excited about it, even if it's not a good story, everyone will pay attention. Now, it's hard to do everything I'm writing all at once in one day, but just practice with other people when you go out to eat, or shop, or go to school, or whatever. Just add more energy when you talk. Smile more. Try to be more upbeat, because you're probably like I was and probably get really down on yourself mid-conversation and you kinda seem self-defeating and people feel awkward because you're uncomfortable with yourself.


Fucc

Offline

#63 2016-09-07 20:49:02

Fish20
sea creature
From: crabgrass
Registered: 2012-06-11
Posts: 4,610
Website

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Oh thanks. You're right, I was kinda visibly looking inward and looked unapproachable in a way before. And I didn't try to listen to people really. Maybe I just want to be less of an outsider.


There are no clear way to learn it unlike html and css who are actually funny to learn and explore.

Quotes:

sloth wrote:

Hold your head down and you won't get hurt. You'll get exploited, abused and spit on, but hey at least you're safe. Fuck that. I have one life to live, and I'll live it my fucking way. Go on. Stand in my way. See what happens. See what happens when a good guy snaps.

sloth wrote:

There are cemetery for living people. They are called "cubicles". And "assembly line". And "McDonalds". And any other full of shit job you can think about. It's where you are dying every day so you can live on a few select days of your life. If you're not to powered out from working.

loon_attic wrote:

everything is shit and people love it because they're hipster masochists or something

absentinsomniac wrote:

she said to eat her out w/ an ice curbe but nah goodnight lol

Offline

#64 2016-09-07 20:53:35

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Literally I showed up at this one place, and I thought all my friends were gonna be there, but it was just me and one other person I knew. First thing I did was introduce myself to everyone before I even sat down. It broke the ice and made it so everyone like included me in conversation. Another guy came later and didn't introduce himself and just sat there and didn't talk. I don't remember anything about him, or what he looks like.


If you don't do that it's fine, but it really helps.


Fucc

Offline

#65 2016-09-08 02:23:31

Green1
Member
Registered: 2015-10-21
Posts: 713

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

My big deal with that has always been remembering folk's names.

Some how, everyone knows me. I can run into an ex co-worker from some job 10 years back and they know me, but I for the life of me do not know them.

I am also in the spot where it seems my network really is my gf's network.  There are people at these parties who may be able to give me info on non-abusive work months down the road, access to other people, etc. Hard to do that if I struggle with their names.

It also sucks my work schedule works me from 11 to 8 M-F. There's lots of networking opportunities on weekday nights I can not go to that would benefit me.

Offline

#66 2016-12-13 00:13:40

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

If someone shows you or tells you who they are, believe them if it's something negative. If they tell you what they are, believe them. If they tell you they're crazy, believe them. If they tell you they'll hurt you, you should believe they probably will. Don't try to change people. People don't change unless they come to a wall in life that they just cannot deal with any more, and some people have a very high tolerance for dealing with bullshit and drama and hurting others. Some people don't have any integrity and it doesn't bother them when they fuck you up. On the other hand, don't just take peoples word for how good they are, how loyal they are, or anything good. Believe their actions, not their words. If they say one thing, and do another, they're lying to you. Don't buy it. Watch what they do, and believe that.


Nobody ever takes this advice until it's too late, though, so w/e.


Fucc

Offline

#67 2016-12-20 05:53:52

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

In general, failure breeds fear, fear breads inaction, inaction breads inexperience, inexperience breeds incompetence, which leads to failure again, and it's a vicious self reinforcing circle that can only be broken by changing your outlook of your failure, and accepting that to learn and grow and become competent (and thus confident), you must try and fail and try and fail and try and succeed.


Fucc

Offline

#68 2017-01-08 19:24:43

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.


Fucc

Offline

#69 2017-01-09 22:24:37

Fish20
sea creature
From: crabgrass
Registered: 2012-06-11
Posts: 4,610
Website

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

absentinsomniac wrote:

In general, failure breeds fear, fear breads inaction, inaction breads inexperience, inexperience breeds incompetence, which leads to failure again, and it's a vicious self reinforcing circle that can only be broken by changing your outlook of your failure, and accepting that to learn and grow and become competent (and thus confident), you must try and fail and try and fail and try and succeed.

This was exactly what I needed to hear right now, thanks. Have to go to dumb driving class and social anxiety is getting to me again.


There are no clear way to learn it unlike html and css who are actually funny to learn and explore.

Quotes:

sloth wrote:

Hold your head down and you won't get hurt. You'll get exploited, abused and spit on, but hey at least you're safe. Fuck that. I have one life to live, and I'll live it my fucking way. Go on. Stand in my way. See what happens. See what happens when a good guy snaps.

sloth wrote:

There are cemetery for living people. They are called "cubicles". And "assembly line". And "McDonalds". And any other full of shit job you can think about. It's where you are dying every day so you can live on a few select days of your life. If you're not to powered out from working.

loon_attic wrote:

everything is shit and people love it because they're hipster masochists or something

absentinsomniac wrote:

she said to eat her out w/ an ice curbe but nah goodnight lol

Offline

#70 2017-01-17 20:29:09

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

There's two ways of handling any significant hardship or roadblock, you can either let it drag you down, or you can find a way to look at it so it doesn't destroy you. From experience, it's incredibly difficult to learn how to interpret negative experiences as stepping stones or in a way that helps push you forward. It's hard to accept any given failure as another step in the right direction. (You can't succeed without failure. If you're not failing, you're not risking enough yet.) This is especially true in the realm of relationships, because that shit is personal. It's incredibly easy, at least for me, to let some big setback with a girl or a friend or whatever completely shake my confidence and make me question myself. It's real easy to start ruminating and let it become an obsession, real easy to let it destroy your confidence. That shit can shake your whole self concept if you don't learn to let things go / move on / look at things as a necessary failure on the road to inevitable success. It's a change in perspective.


Fucc

Offline

#71 2017-02-02 16:01:15

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

One thing I learned is you don't even have to actually change your beliefs about social situations, all you have to do is change what you expect and do, and gradually as a result it's gonna change your beliefs anyway because your experiences will be inconsistent with your old beliefs.


Fucc

Offline

#72 2017-03-04 00:06:42

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Neuroscience tells us that the way we calculate whether something is worth acting on is based on immediately available information stored in the brain. Immediately available information stored in the brain is the information the brain has enough time to comb through before taking an action. It's like a computer grabbing what's in memory (RAM) for a specific task, because it doesn't have enough time to grab more data from a hard drive. That would take too long for this given task. Reinforced thoughts are thoughts that you think over and over again, either consciously or subconsciously. The pathways become stronger the more you think these thoughts.


This is effectively our "memory" for decision making. That is to say, the most available thoughts are those that you think the most, and when you go to take an action, those are the thoughts our brain probes to decide whether to take an action or not to take an action. If when your brain makes a decision the only thoughts available are self defeating or negative thoughts, you're going to make a decision based on that. It's very difficult to consciously override this process. It's best to generate new and better thoughts and work to make them the thoughts probed first for decision making. Generally, what you focus on generates what these thought processes become. If you focus on the past, or on negative self beliefs, or on failures, bam, you're gonna use that information as fodder for decision making. Attention is a very limited resource, you can only focus on so much at a given time. If you focus your attention on the downsides of doing something, you're less likely to do it. If you focus your attention on the benefits, you're going to become more likely to do it.


This goes for everything. Asking a girl out, exercising, eating right, sending an email to an advisor at school, asking for help, whatever. If when you think about exercising, you focus on how it'll make you sweat and you'll have to get a shower and you'll be sore and all this every time you consider it, that becomes reinforced, you'll think of those things first when the idea of exercise comes up. An alternative thing to do would be to focus on the benefits, the future. Focus on how you want to feel, how you want to look, instead, and how much better it'll be in the long term. If day in and day out *those* are your thoughts on the matter, you'll become much more likely to choose to exercise when it comes down to it.


Fucc

Offline

#73 2017-03-06 17:07:08

Fish20
sea creature
From: crabgrass
Registered: 2012-06-11
Posts: 4,610
Website

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

This is why I like meditation so much, it makes it that much easier to clear your thoughts and then choose what your thoughts become. If you constantly think "I am not even confident, I suck with girls" etc then you will. Or you can think that you actually are confident and can get girls fine. Even if you don't truly believe these, if you both think and act as if they are true, it will eventually evolve to be that way.


There are no clear way to learn it unlike html and css who are actually funny to learn and explore.

Quotes:

sloth wrote:

Hold your head down and you won't get hurt. You'll get exploited, abused and spit on, but hey at least you're safe. Fuck that. I have one life to live, and I'll live it my fucking way. Go on. Stand in my way. See what happens. See what happens when a good guy snaps.

sloth wrote:

There are cemetery for living people. They are called "cubicles". And "assembly line". And "McDonalds". And any other full of shit job you can think about. It's where you are dying every day so you can live on a few select days of your life. If you're not to powered out from working.

loon_attic wrote:

everything is shit and people love it because they're hipster masochists or something

absentinsomniac wrote:

she said to eat her out w/ an ice curbe but nah goodnight lol

Offline

#74 2017-03-07 18:37:33

Obscured
Devianteur
Registered: 2014-11-29
Posts: 641

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Fish20 wrote:

This is why I like meditation so much, it makes it that much easier to clear your thoughts and then choose what your thoughts become. If you constantly think "I am not even confident, I suck with girls" etc then you will. Or you can think that you actually are confident and can get girls fine. Even if you don't truly believe these, if you both think and act as if they are true, it will eventually evolve to be that way.

So, what you're saying is 'fake it 'til you make it"?


possessed by the sweaty grip of the moron

Offline

#75 2017-03-07 18:51:57

absentinsomniac
Administrator
Registered: 2012-06-09
Posts: 16,809

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Yes, if you take action despite your fear towards something it's likely the results of doing so will override previous negative assumptions and you will eventually adopt new beliefs about yourself and what you can accomplish. The problem is actually getting yourself to take those actions, which is where meditation and visualization and shit come in. The more you focus on the positives of some action and the more you think about how you *can*, the more likely you will be to take those actions. The risk you take here is if you force yourself to take action while you haven't yet changed your thought patterns, in which case if you happen to fail (which is inevitable for everyone) then you might just reinforce your old negative beliefs. You have to then change your outlook on failing such that if you're not failing, you're not moving forward.


Which brings you back to this:


In general, failure breeds fear, fear breads inaction, inaction breads inexperience, inexperience breeds incompetence, which leads to failure again, and it's a vicious self reinforcing circle that can only be broken by changing your outlook of your failure, and accepting that to learn and grow and become competent (and thus confident), you must try and fail and try and fail and try and succeed.


The goal is to make yourself take action and feel good about taking action regardless of whether you fail or not. You become more likely to take action by thinking about the positives of taking that action and visualizing doing it. You become less affected by failure by seeing failure as another step towards your goals. Usually it's best to take smaller steps until you work up to bigger things because making a huge leap in your assumptions about yourself causes lots of cognitive dissonance and you're unlikely to believe the new way of thinking. So instead of just jumping from "I can't get girls" --> "Call me mr. bitches", instead start with something like "I can't get girls" --> "I can hold a conversation with girls" or even "I'm comfortable making eye contact with girls", and when you believe that internally you move up. Maybe then to "I can get some girls" (which imo is a pretty healthy way of thinking anyway, nobody can get *any* girl, that's retarded, and why would you want to lol just go for girls who are also interested in you.)


Fucc

Offline

Board footer

Powered by FluxBB