Topic: Adult Children of Covertly Narcissistic Parents
Did you have a narcissistic parent? I know I did. You're probably all fucked up because of it too. Well I'm here to tell you there's a way to unfuck yourself!
This is a college thesis done on children of narcissists and all the different ways they're fucked up. Check this shit out and you'll understand why you're such a psycho. http://www.harlantaylor.com/uploads/2/9 … 1-0252.pdf
Basically, in my own words, you were raised by someone incapable of empathy. Instead of a normal hierarchy where the parents tend to the needs of the children, you instead lived in a circle, with one of your parents in the center and the rest of your family orbiting around them, tending to the parent's emotional needs in the hopes of preventing one of their temper tantrums.
Deep down, narcissists feel shame. They too were raised in an upbringing where failure wasn't tolerated. From a very young age, they decided it was easier to invent a grandiose version of themselves that couldn't fail at anything than it was for them to confront their own failures. However, they're still missing the affection they were supposed to receive as children from their own parents, and as adults crave the admiration of other people, even the admiration of their children.
They've given up their real personality, their soul if you will, in exchange for a voice. This voice is constantly talking to them in their head and only does one of two things: praises them or ridicules them relentlessly. When they are ridiculing themselves, they will do anything to get the voice to stop, and the only way they can do that is to release the shame onto others. The voice can only praise the narcissist if the narcissist can get others to admire him, so when he can't do that, he blames them for not admiring him enough.
Your parent never had a real attachment to you. When they were angry at you, they lost all the positive emotions they associated with you. When they were happy with you, they seemed to forget you ever had issues in the first place. Emotionally, they're still a baby.
You came out of living with this person fucked up. Your need for affection from your parents was not met. You were like a parent to your parent, coddling him and tiptoeing around him so he won't throw another temper tantrum.
When you're born, you automatically trust and love your parents unconditionally. The narcissist responded by only doling out affection on strictly conditional terms, which you accepted since your parents are the first people to show you what love is supposed to be.
You might find yourself in a romantic relationship with a narcissist later on in life because you find comfort in the dysfunctional love that is so similar to what you were shown as a child. You assume the blame for her anger towards you, no matter how irrational, because that's exactly what you did during the relationship between you and your narcissistic parent.
So what do you do? First thing's first: cut the parent off. You don't owe them any explanation. End the relationship. Each passing year afterwards, you'll gain more and more of a sense of yourself and the anxieties and insecurities holding you back will become easier and easier to manage.
Next, you must grieve the loving parent you never had and the child you never got to be. Your childhood was shit. Sucks to suck. But there's only one way from rock bottom, and that's up, my friend.
Lastly, you must put your trust in your empathy, because lack of empathy is the fundamental characteristic that makes narcissists different from normal people. Lack of empathy was the fundamental characteristic that made your childhood different from a functional childhood. You might always be insecure. You might always be anxious. But if you follow your empathy, you'll always know that at any given moment, with the knowledge and experience that you have at that time, you're doing the best you can.
But that's just my take on it. Read the thesis.