Topic: How to make a group project hell for everybody

In my current expertise on horrible group projects, I'd like to take this moment and share on how to make them god damned awful for you and everybody involved.

As we all know, group work has to be split up during a group. Be sure to tell everybody how motivated you are for this project!
But working is for suckers, so be sure to quickly take charge and give everybody else the hard work while you do only tasks that can be done in 5 Minutes. When confronted about such behavior, be sure to make that beta asking why you aren't doing anything understand that you are an Alpha and taking charge.
Be sure to constantly remind somebody you hate of how Alpha you are by not telling them what you'd expect them to do, because they should know anyways. After all, they are Beta and you are Alpha. Tell them only what you want them to do at the last minute, while you and your pals are going out to party.
When the group work has been specifically and carefully cut to every bodies wishes, needs and abilities, be sure not to do your part. If you wait long enough, the others will eventually do it for you.
Now would be a good time to go on that vacation you wanted to go during the semester anyways, instead of waiting for holidays like the rest of those god damned plebs.
When confronted about your lack of work or motivation, find excuses! You will do it later, even though the deadline is impeccably near. The WiFi was shit at your location and you were unable to access the necessary files. You were marrying some girl you met a few months ago and couldn't be bothered with this bullshit.
Only do work when the group has had enough of your bullshit and threatens to throw you out! Be sure to make a lot of mistakes because you don't even have any idea what you are doing, and then ask them at 3 AM in the morning about something they have no idea of either, since they were actually busy working on the project while you were out fucking, partying and bullying somebody. You don't have time for that shit because you're Alpha.
If your group works without the data you should have provided (as it was split up beforehand), be sure to make them notice how shit their work is, since all of the data is missing when they confront you about your lack of care.
Be sure to make them understand that it is only a school project and can be done again next semester, because everybody has to adhere to YOUR schedule, and not the one carefully crafted by the group. You are Alpha. Remember that.
When people get angry at you for not doing your work, play the victim. This does not make you less Alpha, because those suckers will totally fall for your tricks. Don't use any tools specific for group work because you are Alpha and you don't need that shit, real Alphas keep it all in their head!
When people do make deadlines, make sure everybody knows you hate them because it makes people "bossy", and as a Alpha you hate "bossy" people. You don't have to listen to nobody, YOU'RE ALPHA and nobody tells you what to do.
If somebody complains about your lack of work ethic, be sure to make them know all the great shit you did in the beginning before completely dropping the project off to somebody else.

When the group project is finished, and you by some miracle achieved the goal, make sure that it was only due to your diligence, management skills and hard work that you got the work done (even though its now severely extended past the dead line and you won't get a full grade, which is only something nerds do. Nerds are not Alphas).

In short, because you're Alpha and you don't have the time to read all this since you're busy pushing people to their limits:

  • Be Alpha

  • Leave all the shit work for somebody else

  • Disrespect deadlines

  • Everybody has to follow YOUR schedule

  • Never admit mistakes

  • Have others fix your mistakes

  • Communicate as poorly as possible

  • Make sure to shit on any attempt of anybody trying to resolve the conflict

  • Shift blame away from you (you are never at fault)]

  • Never do anything and call it "management"


Obviously this list is incomplete. Suggestions welcome.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

God wrote:

A surprising amount of insight can be gleamed from sitting on the toilet. More concerning, however, is the amount of nostalgia. neutral



When in doubt, move north. God bless suomi.