Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

I'm toying with this idea that people interact with others through a behavioral interface and that's how other's perception of you is determined. Other people interpret different outputs differently, of course, but at the end of the day you tweak your interface for optimal results. What this means, though, is that basically other people only know you through your interface, and either like or dislike you based on this interface. Your interface doesn't necessarily map directly to who you are, as behaviors and quirks of psychology can make you behave in strange ways that are incongruent with who you "actually are", where who you actually are is kind of determined by your thoughts / beliefs / etc.


In order to optimize my interface though, I need to basically *feel* like my inner self all the time and not let other peoples outputs or presence change my internal state. This way, I can have a more consistent interface that isn't fucked up by external things as much. This is like a more refined way of explaining a lot of the shit I've written in this thread already. For example, I like some girl, I generate some output like asking her out, and if she doesn't like me, I either optimize my interface (which is not necessarily a reflection of my actual self / worth obviously) or I just move along if I don't think I could have done anything differently. I don't let that rejection emotionally effect me because it's just her interpretation of my interface. It has little to do with me, in reality, it's just her inputs / outputs and interpretations of my inputs / outputs not working correctly. There's a limit on how accurately I can make my interface reflect my internal state because others interpretations are filtered through their state. I can't control their interpretations at all. I can just give outputs, receive inputs, and act accordingly.


This is pretty hard to do but it's essentially the model of social skills and mental hygiene I've adopted. A strong, healthy internal state (mindset) will usually spill over into a better interface, so it's a great starting point. It can sometimes go the other way, a good interface can result (over time) in a better internal state. There are ways to manipulate both. (Better thoughts, forcing better behaviors, etc.)

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

This is pretty good advice


http://www.catb.org/esr/writings/sextips/bedplay.html


Bit weird reading ESR talk about fucking but he's right lol.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

So one of the things I think I knew but haven't been actually putting into practice, is smiling. I find it very hard to smile sometimes, and when others smile at me I don't really smile back that much. That's probably one of the bigger things I haven't actually worked on that much these days. I do, of course, smile in situations where I feel a connection and they smile. It's second nature to me. If I'm locking eyes with some random attractive girl, though, sometimes I'll just maintain the eye contact til she looks away and not even smile. That's not very inviting. When I lock eyes with a girl and she doesn't smile, it makes me not want to approach, even though locking eyes with me is a good sign. Plus when a girl smiles at you, that's a good sign, too, which I have barely been looking for or acting on.


That's small and obvious, but idk I don't think I've really been focusing on that at all and it'll probably help.
For some reason in my head I was just like "The fuck is this girl smiling for" even though she was looking right at me walking by.
She was smiling because she wanted me to initiate a conversation, possibly.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

Someone (loon? I forget) mentioned that not everyone is your type of person. Not everyone is going to like you.
This is true. Sometimes you have to find your people. I can usually find a way to get along with most people, and if
I can't it's probably because they're not interested in getting along with me or they're giving me a bad vibe.
Sometimes I think, to this day even, I haven't really found people I *really* really click with. Same shit with women,
some won't like you. Some will. That's okay. Not everyone is your person. Move along, wish them well.

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

How to not care what others think to the point if someone is seriously insulting you it doesn't hurt? I mean I even feel hurt when there is a tiny possibility of disapproval (which is always). It's an issue. It's just if I don't care what others feel then I feel like an asshole because I don't put their feelings into account. But then I'm doing and saying everything for them. It's like I can't win. I could either not care at all about others feelings or care and be hurt. I guess there is a balance there but I'm bad at balance.

There are no clear way to learn it unlike html and css who are actually funny to learn and explore.

Quotes:

sloth wrote:

Hold your head down and you won't get hurt. You'll get exploited, abused and spit on, but hey at least you're safe. Fuck that. I have one life to live, and I'll live it my fucking way. Go on. Stand in my way. See what happens. See what happens when a good guy snaps.

sloth wrote:

There are cemetery for living people. They are called "cubicles". And "assembly line". And "McDonalds". And any other full of shit job you can think about. It's where you are dying every day so you can live on a few select days of your life. If you're not to powered out from working.

loon_attic wrote:

everything is shit and people love it because they're hipster masochists or something

absentinsomniac wrote:

she said to eat her out w/ an ice curbe but nah goodnight lol

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

It's tough, but basically once you have enough life experiences and you diversify where your self-worth comes from, you don't care as much anymore. I still have a lot of problems with this. If you derive all your self worth from external sources, you're always going to be chasing that. That's what narcissists do. That's what very insecure people do. You don't want to do that. You want to derive your self worth from a core inside, and then get external validation from many sources, not just one or two. It's gonna be pretty hard to just not give a shit at all about other peoples feelings, I still care about how other people see me quite a bit, especially if it's someone I see as important socially. That being said, I could give a fuck about what *most* people in general think of me. It really does come with general confidence, which you can get by expanding your life and trying new things, getting out of your comfort zone, etc.


I really recommend traveling for building some self confidence, if you can afford it. (I don't think you can yet, but still...) You should also keep working on little things and build them up over time, obviously. You have to dedicate yourself to getting a little better every day, even if things fall apart here and there. It's been a long time coming for me and I'm nowhere near where I want to be.


Also, this is just general advice:



You should consciously work on your posture. Head up, shoulders back, walk with confidence. It helps a *lot* with self confidence and changes how people see you in general. I've been slipping up with this a lot, which might be why I've been getting less attention from girls over the last 2 weeks. Plus I got dumped and I've been kinda closed off lately but hey...

Re: Absent's Party / Socializing Advice.

That seems pretty relevant to me as well. I even get anxious when people are nice to me, or when it seems like they don't really mean it when they're polite. And this one time I freaked out and also freaked out the customers, I ended up wanting to die

sloth wrote:

Comfy does not provide challenge, challenge provides success, success provides happiness. Our world is not comfy, although we tried to make it so. Slaves of our own inventions, yada, yada. Not only on a technological level, also on a social and political level. Nothing more but apes. Apes with psychosomatic disorders.